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Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Holiday Eating Tips from My Cousin

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet

 table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see

 carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum



2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And

 quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even

 rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year

 but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in

 every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic

 or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's

 later than you think. It's Christmas!  


3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of

 gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of

 your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.  


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk

 or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports

 car with an automatic transmission.  


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control

 your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is

 to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?  


6. Under no circumstances should you

 exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you

 have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll

 need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate

 of food and that vat of eggnog.  


7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like

 frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position

 yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

 becoming the center of attention.

 They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're

 never going to see them again.


8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,

 if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always

 have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor



9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the

 mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have

 some standards.  


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party

 or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread

 tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.  



Remember this motto to live by:

 Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

 arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to

 skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body

 thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a



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